How to Get Better Having Difficult Conversations
As a licensed therapist, I've witnessed countless relationships strained by communication breakdowns. The painful dance of misunderstood intentions, unexpressed needs, and escalating conflicts can leave even the most loving partnerships feeling like battlefields.
What is DBT and Why Does It Matter?
Dialectical Behavior Therapy, developed by psychologist Marsha Linehan, is an evidence-based treatment originally designed to help individuals with emotion dysregulation.
Simply put, DBT is a kind of therapy that helps people handle big feelings and get along better with others. It teaches skills for dealing with emotions, stress, and relationships. The DEAR MAN method is part of these relationship skills.
The DEAR MAN Framework Explained
D - Describe: State the facts. Just say what's happening without adding opinions
E - Express: Share your feelings or beliefs about the situation
A - Assert: Clearly ask for what you want or say no
R - Reinforce: Explain the positive outcomes of honoring your request, why it would help if they listen
M - Mindful: Stay on topic and don't get distracted
A - Appear Confident: Use steady tone, eye contact, and open posture
N - Negotiate: Be willing to find compromise and alternative solutions
Why This Method Works
This way of talking stops conversations from turning into arguments. It helps both people understand each other better and find solutions without hurting feelings.
Practical Application: Difficult Conversations with Your Spouse
Let's explore how DEAR MAN can transform typical marital conflicts:
Example 1: Addressing Household Responsibilities
Situation: You're feeling overwhelmed by carrying most household chores while your partner seems unaware.
DEAR MAN Script:
Describe: "When I'm handling most of the cleaning, cooking, and laundry during the week..."
Express: "...I feel exhausted and somewhat resentful because it feels unbalanced."
Assert: "I'd like us to create a fair division of household tasks that we both agree on."
Reinforce: "This would help me feel more supported and give us both more quality time together in the evenings."
Mindful: If they deflect with "I work longer hours," gently return to: "I understand you're busy too, and I still need us to find a better balance."
Appear Confident: Maintain calm eye contact and steady tone
Negotiate: "Would you prefer to divide tasks by preference, or should we try rotating them weekly?"
Example 2: Navigating Financial Decisions
Situation: Your partner made a significant purchase without discussing it with you first.
DEAR MAN Script:
Describe: "When large financial decisions are made without us discussing them together..."
Express: "...I feel concerned about our financial security and somewhat excluded from important choices."
Assert: "I need us to agree on a dollar amount threshold where we always consult each other before spending."
Reinforce: "This will help us both feel more secure about our finances and maintain trust in our partnership."
Mindful: If they become defensive, gently restate: "I understand it seemed necessary, and I still need us to have a clear agreement moving forward."
Appear Confident: Use open body language and measured speech
Negotiate: "What amount do you think would be reasonable for us to discuss before purchasing?"
Why Try This Method
Stops fights: Keeps talks from getting out of hand
Makes things clear: Everyone knows exactly what's being asked
Shows respect: Both people feel heard and valued
Builds understanding: You learn to see each other's point of view
Creates safety: You learn to trust that hard talks can go well
Getting Started
Practice with small things first before big problems. You might want to write down what you want to say. Remember that no one gets it perfect right away - what matters is trying.
The DEAR MAN method isn't about winning. It's about creating relationships where both people feel comfortable saying what they need. In my work, couples who use this find that hard conversations can actually bring them closer instead of pushing them apart.
Be patient with yourself and your partner. Good communication takes practice, but better relationships are worth the effort.
If you're struggling with persistent communication challenges, consider seeking guidance from a DBT-trained therapist who can provide personalized support and coaching.
Disclaimer: This article is for educational purposes only and does not replace professional therapeutic advice. If you're experiencing significant relationship distress, please consult with a licensed mental health professional.
